Chronicles of my so-called-life

My Suicide Note.

spindizy — Mon, 23 May 2011 14:48:03 +0000

I am writing this, perfectly sober for 2+ weeks. and I am of sound mind and sound body.

Its kind of a strange and creepy thing to write your own suicide note. By the time you start writing the note, you’re pretty much (in the mind of someone who’s contemplating suicide) committed to going thru with it.

If you are reading this note.. One of two things has happened. I am dead, or I am in jail. Some will hope for jail, a few will hope for dead.

I know you think jail would be best for me, but I am really tired of this place. I am tired of being needlessly persecuted by the established martial law in this country. DONT EVER GET INTO LEGAL TROUBLE IN THE MIDWEST. ONCE THEY HAVE YOU, THEY WILL NOT LET GO. The prison system is too big of a money maker. Watch Zeitgeist — Moving Forward..

To my family and friends, and those who really do care about me. I am so sorry. I didnt want to hurt you, and I wish I could make it all a bad dream and not real. but thats what my life has felt like for a long time. A bad fucking dream.

Chris & Christopher — I will always love you both. Cuz, Im sorry you’ll have to learn this when your older. I am a bad person, and while it hurts me so bad to never really have gotten to know you the way I wanted to, I know you’ll be taken care of, and probably better than I ever could have.

Dad & Sarah — You did all you could, none of this is either of your faults. This is all my fault, and I hate it. Dad, at least you understand. Sarah, I told you I’m sorry, it gives you a reason to get another kick ass tattoo tho, right?

Brooke — I hope you’re ok, I hope you dont hate me. I tried to hold out as long as I could. I think I did pretty well considering. If I had been able to talk to you, things might be different. This is not your fault. Do not blame yourself. To quote Mumford and Sons – Lion Man “This was not your fault but mine, I really fucked it up this time, didnt I my dear?” I will always love you. You deserved so much better than me anyway. If im in jail, I hope you really will wait like you said you would. I’ll wait for you. If im dead, I’ll still wait for you, but dont rush. I love you babe. and im so fucking sorry.

Steve M — You’ll always be my brother, and Im sorry I never got to know you the way I always wanted to, from when we were little.. You were the big bro I always wanted.

Dan P — You’ll always be my bro, and I’ll always have your back.

JD L — Enjoy your money. It wont make you happy either. Neither will the alcohol.

All the rest of my friends and people who dont hate me: Im sorry. Party for me, dont cry for me. If im dead, I want everyone to party as hard as they can on the weekend after my funeral. If im in jail. Party just as hard and send me pictures.

If i am dead, I tried to not make a mess, and to be able to be presented at a funeral to those who wish to attend. If I am in jail, Please write and send me pictures. I’ll be there awhile.

Regardless of my mortal status.. Enough of my friends know why, my sister knows why.. and you can ask them why, if you want to know why ive either offed myself, or gotten arrested somehow.

Today is 5/10. This note is scheduled for 5/13. Its feels both wrong, and right, to have a set expiration date. Its gonna be one of two ways, Heroin or Helium, because, yes, i am a pussy, Im taking the chicken exit.. Why would I NOT want to go in a painless manner.

A few parting quotes:

“On this 18th floor balcony, we’re both, flying away.” — Blue October.

“Picture me rollin” — Tupac

“Change is inevitable — unless its from a vending machine.” — Me.

To the KCMO and JOCO police departments. YOU GUYS SUCK. Missed me at the house, missed me at the airport twice. missed me everywhere you looked, if im in jail you fuckers got lucky and I got sloppy. If im dead, Me – 1, LE – 0.

To all the haters, eat me.

To everyone else, Im sorry, I love you, and I’ll see you on the other side of the moon,

Last will and testament (incase I do happen to be dead)
Brooke – My sister has our important stuff.. You’re welcome to whatever of mine she has. Whatever you dont want, she can keep. She can work out with dan or anyone else who may want what few possessions I had left. Sarah, give dan something. If any one else of you think you deserve something, talk to my sister, she’ll know who to ask to determine if that valid or not.

I am not dead. Yet.

spindizy — Tue, 17 May 2011 08:49:56 +0000

If anyone saw the previos post, dont worry. Im not dead yet. Im still waiting to find out anything on where and how my girlfriend is. Its been about 3 weeks now. Still no word. I am waiting.

And then life happens.

spindizy — Mon, 07 Nov 2005 20:26:57 +0000

Ive been avoiding my blog. Not because its bad, but because I’ve actually been sort of busy. That damn game Armagetron AD has been eating up most of my available time, and resources. Yes. I AM A GEEK. LOL.

Really tho, Ive been missing sleep and skipping food for that game, and in the span of a week, I’ve gotten pretty good at it.

My ex-mother-in-law has a mary kay open house today.. I said I would go. So I am. I’ll get to see my son, which is a big plus. This will involve some free computer work, but I dont mind, its not going to be hard. So anyway, I’ll take some time, collect my thoughts, and blog more when I get back.

–Scott

Morning came way too early.

spindizy — Tue, 01 Nov 2005 17:34:31 +0000

So, Did the server upgrade for that department store which everyone knows and I’m not saying.. I didnt walk in the door at home until about 2:45am.. But here’s where it goes all wrong, I stayed up playing armagetron till about 5:30AM.. Yet I did this knowing FULL WELL I had somewhere to be at 10am this morning.. UGH.. 9:30 came WAY TOO SOON. Oh well, I guess I’ll sleep when im dead eh?

Anyhow, Last nights job went off without a hitch, horray for that. And from what I’ve been told by the project managers, I finished really quick. Heh, I could have done it faster if I didnt eat up 100 of my last 105 phone minutes talking to the girl from yahoo

And its not like I care about the minutes. I can get more phone minutes, and talking to her made the time fly. But, I ran out of minutes, and she had to go to bed, so it was all good. I love getting paid for sitting on my ass, and thats a lot of what that job was.. Put in a CD, Wait 25 minutes, Swap out some hardware, wait 30 minutes while the new drive image installs.. Type a few keys, Wait 30 minutes while a script installs some app’s and the network mojo.. All that x2, because there were two servers. So.. I had plenty of time to talk on the phone

Acquired the new Prodigy album, Their Law OH MAN.. Its nice. If you’re a prodigy fan at all GO GETS IT. Make sure you get the bonus disc too. I’ve also been thinking about putting some pictures of me up here, so you guys can have something to laugh at anyway!

I think I might start doing some CD reviews on here.. Anyone got any suggestions they’d like to see me tear apart? Try to keep it to newer releases.. Those are often easier to find..

– Scott

Halloween, and what am I doing tonight?

spindizy — Mon, 31 Oct 2005 20:43:14 +0000

Im working. Yes, thats right, I’m spending my Halloween night WORKING… Why you might ask? Because I clearly have no life. None. Nada, Null, Zilch, Zip, Nein. Im doing a server upgrade and replacement for a large national chain department store that rhymes with “Fall Bart.” I can’t even start this project until 8:30ish, because the car center and the medication center have to be closed. And then its about a 5 hour job.. So, 2AM on Nov. 1st, I should be ready to go home.

But, I am not complaining.. No Sir. I would much rather be working, than sitting home, eating candy and getting fat. Again, lack of life. Yeah, I may not have much in the way of a social life, but that will come later. I’m feeling much better as of lately, and working on halloween is the only “Bad” thing I can blog about, and its not even all that bad!

I do want to thank everyone for all their wonderful comments on my past posts. I love getting comments. So thank you very much for them, they are appreciated.

Now for some news on unrelated topics:

I’ve been playing this cool Tron speedbike game called Armagetron. Quite cool, its free, there are plenty of places to play it online, and I’m quite addicted to it at the moment. Stayed up way too late last night playing it (Read: Geek.)

Still talking to the person on yahoo, which I blogged about in the past. She’s very sweet, and we talk often. — Thats all I’m going to say about that, for now.

Feel free to ask me questions in the comments if you want, if theres something you want to know, I will gladly respond, in public or in email if need be.

I really hope everyone has a safe, happy, fun Halloween!

–Scott

Who’s got YOUR back?

spindizy — Sun, 30 Oct 2005 03:15:46 +0000

I’ve been neglecting my blog lately.. Life’s been busy kicking my ass, as usual. Thats about par for the golf course that is my life. Except my life isnt green and manicured. Picture a golfcourse overgrown with weeds, most of the grass is brown and full of divits, and all the holes seem too small for the golfballs to go into. Nobody wants to play on a course like that, but that seems to be the course im stuck on.

I’ve realized lately that my blog entries have been kinda bleak. I dont feel bleak, at least I dont think I do. But when I write, this is what comes out. Maybe I’m dealing with the bad things this way? I should be putting more positive things here. My life really isnt going so bad, compared to how its been going for the last year or so. Things ARE getting better for me, regardless of what the things I say here may imply. I guess when you’re on the bottom, the only place to go is up.

Or maybe its the fact I’m one of the few people with nothing better to do on a saturday night, other than blog.. Thats kinda sad! Oh well. But getting back to topic here… Who’s got your back? There are people in life who you know you’ve got their backs, but do you know who has yours? Do you know who’d be there for you when you need them to be? I know I’d probably be there for more people than people would be there for me, but I guess thats how its suposed to be. There are people I KNOW who would be there for me, and they KNOW I would be there for them, because its just like that.

I also wanted to say I really appreciate the comments I got on the post “NIN and the meaning of life.” They were helpfull. I think thats one reason I blog, so I can get opinions and ideas from people other than me. They often provide other ways of looking at things that I havent thought about. And for this I am greatfull. Hopefully my next post will make more sense..

– Scott

Nine Inch Nails, and the meaning of life.

spindizy — Tue, 25 Oct 2005 06:40:39 +0000

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Nine Inch Nails’ new album With Teeth and I like it. Its a good progression for the band, which I’m glad trent’s back with. The song “Only” is awesome, and the video for that song I would call ground breaking. I’ve been a NIN fan since back in the day, some of the stuff after Pretty Hate Machine and Downward Spiral I didnt much care for. Further Down the Spiral was ok, some of the remixes were good, but the band seemed to lose focus after that. With Teeth however, is exactly what I’ve been waiting for from NIN.

Does a person ever “find” themselves? I’m almost 24, and I still don’t know who I am, metaphorically that is. I know what I want, and I’m trying to achieve it, but I still feel lost sometimes. What defines a person? Is it he who has the most (fun/toys/money/power/sex) wins? There’s got to be more to life than that. Some days it seems like no one really knows who they are. Does everyone have these “lost” days, even after they think they’ve found their place in life, found who they are?

I’m listening to the song “Right where it belongs” off the NIN album With Teeth, and the chorus goes like this:

What if everything around you
Isn’t quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

Thats so fitting at the moment, I would advise anyone to get this album, and check out the rest of the lyrics to the song here. Which brings me back to the question. Does anyone ever truly find themselves? I’d really like some feedback on this one folks, because quite frankly, I feel lost.

–Scott

Continued Crazyness

spindizy — Mon, 24 Oct 2005 02:25:56 +0000

Ok, I got a comment on my late night crazyness (yes, I know im mispelling crazyness..) post, and I was asked to continue the story. This is something I would love to do, but, like you, this story is just beginning for me too, so I hardly know how it ends yet. However I’ll be more than happy to let some of the details go, considering the person mentioned reads this blog too.. What I write is just as much a surprise for her, as it is for you.. So hopefully, I dont get myself into too much trouble

Chapter 2

We’re still talking, and every day, every single day that we do talk, the synchronicities seem to be endless. And about weird stuff too, like, both of us go to the ‘fridge, neither one knowing what we’re gonna get, and both coming back with something pizza related (Me pizza, her pizza lunchables.) We seem to have so many things we have in common, we’ve been trying to find things we dont have in common (other than the obvious, like the plumbing,) but it hasnt been going well, in the most unlikely places and ways we find lots, and lots of similar stuff. The funny thing is, it’s been getting to the pont where we’re starting to think that these so-called coincidences, really cant be just that. There’s gotta be a reason for this. But we’re both kinda slow to explore this further, we’ve both been in relationships where we really got hurt, we both have kids to take care of, we’re both busy people. But I cant help feeling that theres more to this thats what’s being shown on the surface. And I would love to find out, but im not going to push anyone.. I know I know, sometimes people need to be pushed, but, I aint like that. Regardless of what happens, Im glad I’ve met her, she’s a really great person and it makes me a better person just knowing her. So, I’ve got a personal interest in this story, hopefully it has a happy ending. More later.

– Scott

Bloggin’ ain’t easy.

spindizy — Sat, 22 Oct 2005 20:48:15 +0000

To me this sounds like a song title, for some band who happens to be technologically hip. Say, maybe Beck, or Harvey Danger, possibly even some indie band, those guys are usually tech-hip. Its about the only way they’ll get any exposure untill someone picks them up if they’re good enough.

My problem with blogging seems to be a lack of things to say.. Wait, no. Thats not entirely true. I have plenty of things to say, but, my mental filter process seems to nix a lot of stuff from public view. Where do you draw the line? How do you determine what to offer up for public consumption? And of the snippets of your thought process that DO make it onto the blog, how do you tell if they’re worth reading anyway? That brings up the question who is a blog for? Is it for you, or everyone else? Ugh, I’m making my brain hurt.. Time for a shower.

–Scott

Scott needs….

spindizy — Fri, 21 Oct 2005 19:18:52 +0000

I ran across this in another blog.. google for “[firstname] needs” like “Scott needs” for me, and you will have google give you a result of your needs.. Yeah, I know, stupid web trick.. but I’m easily entertained.. So, here are my needs.

Scott really needs Mozilla
Scott needs to get out more
Scott needs nude models
Scott needs a partner
Scott needs to back up his regrets with action
Scott needs less of John’s vocals and more of Ahmer’s kick and snare
Scott needs no introduction

Heh.. The last two are from pages about the band Stone Temple Pilots frontman Scott Weiland, but still funny. I like the nude models one, but only if the models are women.