My Suicide Note.
I am writing this, perfectly sober for 2+ weeks. and I am of sound mind and sound body.
Its kind of a strange and creepy thing to write your own suicide note. By the time you start writing the note, you’re pretty much (in the mind of someone who’s contemplating suicide) committed to going thru with it.
If you are reading this note.. One of two things has happened. I am dead, or I am in jail. Some will hope for jail, a few will hope for dead.
I know you think jail would be best for me, but I am really tired of this place. I am tired of being needlessly persecuted by the established martial law in this country. DONT EVER GET INTO LEGAL TROUBLE IN THE MIDWEST. ONCE THEY HAVE YOU, THEY WILL NOT LET GO. The prison system is too big of a money maker. Watch Zeitgeist — Moving Forward..
To my family and friends, and those who really do care about me. I am so sorry. I didnt want to hurt you, and I wish I could make it all a bad dream and not real. but thats what my life has felt like for a long time. A bad fucking dream.
Chris & Christopher — I will always love you both. Cuz, Im sorry you’ll have to learn this when your older. I am a bad person, and while it hurts me so bad to never really have gotten to know you the way I wanted to, I know you’ll be taken care of, and probably better than I ever could have.
Dad & Sarah — You did all you could, none of this is either of your faults. This is all my fault, and I hate it. Dad, at least you understand. Sarah, I told you I’m sorry, it gives you a reason to get another kick ass tattoo tho, right? 
Brooke — I hope you’re ok, I hope you dont hate me. I tried to hold out as long as I could. I think I did pretty well considering. If I had been able to talk to you, things might be different. This is not your fault. Do not blame yourself. To quote Mumford and Sons – Lion Man “This was not your fault but mine, I really fucked it up this time, didnt I my dear?” I will always love you. You deserved so much better than me anyway. If im in jail, I hope you really will wait like you said you would. I’ll wait for you. If im dead, I’ll still wait for you, but dont rush. I love you babe. and im so fucking sorry.
Steve M — You’ll always be my brother, and Im sorry I never got to know you the way I always wanted to, from when we were little.. You were the big bro I always wanted.
Dan P — You’ll always be my bro, and I’ll always have your back.
JD L — Enjoy your money. It wont make you happy either. Neither will the alcohol.
All the rest of my friends and people who dont hate me: Im sorry. Party for me, dont cry for me. If im dead, I want everyone to party as hard as they can on the weekend after my funeral. If im in jail. Party just as hard and send me pictures.
If i am dead, I tried to not make a mess, and to be able to be presented at a funeral to those who wish to attend. If I am in jail, Please write and send me pictures. I’ll be there awhile.
Regardless of my mortal status.. Enough of my friends know why, my sister knows why.. and you can ask them why, if you want to know why ive either offed myself, or gotten arrested somehow.
Today is 5/10. This note is scheduled for 5/13. Its feels both wrong, and right, to have a set expiration date. Its gonna be one of two ways, Heroin or Helium, because, yes, i am a pussy, Im taking the chicken exit.. Why would I NOT want to go in a painless manner.
A few parting quotes:
“On this 18th floor balcony, we’re both, flying away.” — Blue October.
“Picture me rollin” — Tupac
“Change is inevitable — unless its from a vending machine.” — Me.
To the KCMO and JOCO police departments. YOU GUYS SUCK. Missed me at the house, missed me at the airport twice. missed me everywhere you looked, if im in jail you fuckers got lucky and I got sloppy. If im dead, Me – 1, LE – 0.
To all the haters, eat me.
To everyone else, Im sorry, I love you, and I’ll see you on the other side of the moon,
Last will and testament (incase I do happen to be dead)
Brooke – My sister has our important stuff.. You’re welcome to whatever of mine she has. Whatever you dont want, she can keep. She can work out with dan or anyone else who may want what few possessions I had left. Sarah, give dan something. If any one else of you think you deserve something, talk to my sister, she’ll know who to ask to determine if that valid or not.
